During the
past few years, I have always joked that I could picture myself anywhere from
being a nun to being the next Mrs. Duggar with 19 kids. During the past few months,
I have sensed a leaning more towards being a nun. Well, maybe not that extreme—but
single and working at Oakridge or whatever Christian ministry God has for me. I
do not believe that this new leaning is rooted from an “oh, pity me; I’m still
single; no guy is ever going to marry me” type of attitude. Instead, I believe
that God is leading me down this road.
During my
first few years of college, if I liked a guy, I would try to be discreet about
it and hope that he would ask me out, but then I would eventually come right
out and tell the guy, even though there was no indication of interest from him.
This led to a lot of brokenness (and I also read I Kissed Dating Goodbye), so I toned it down a bit and just had a
lot of crushes on guys who never asked me out, and I never told them that I had
an interest in them. This was really hard for me to practice, but it led to
less brokenness.
In the last
year, however, singleness has been less difficult for me. During the last year,
I have still had a lot of crushes on guys, but I’ve also been content with
singleness. My attitude has been, “If God wants to bring a man to pursue me,
that’s fine; if not, I’ll enjoy the benefits of singleness.” Maybe this shift
in attitude occurred because I have thought more about marriage and all that it
includes. I thought about it, and I realized that I am probably getting the
best sleep of my life right now as a single person. With marriage, I’m sure
there come fights about how cold to set the thermostat at night, snoring, sides
of the bed, etc. I am glad that I don’t have to deal with that at this point in
time.
Be that as
it may, I have felt an ever-increasing desire for singleness during the past
few months. My attitude is no longer “if God wants to bring a man to pursue me,
that’s fine; if not; I’ll enjoy the benefits of singleness.” On the contrary, I
am not sure that, even if a man started to pursue me, I would be interested. I
have seen several instances during the past few months where I was able to
serve because I am single, and that brought me a lot of joy. I appreciate the
opportunity to serve the Lord and not be “concerned about the affairs of this
world—how [I] can please [my] husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34). I can only imagine
how torn those who are in ministry sometimes feel. I’m sure they look forward
to going home at the end of the day to be with their families. If I remain
single, I do not have to feel torn.
In addition
to all these things, in having conversations with other women, I believe that I
do not “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). So that element of singleness
really works out in my favor. :)
It could be
that I am just being selfish in my desire for singleness. Like I said above, I
am probably getting the best sleep of my life now as a single person. In
addition, I am introverted, so I cannot imagine having to share a house with
someone after a long day’s work. I would want a quiet place to come home to in
order to rest. Also, there is more freedom in singleness, in that one can come
and go as one pleases and does not have to plan too far in advance to go
somewhere. Plus, I like being a part of other people’s families, and that isn’t
very practical when one is trying to build a family of one’s own. As I said at
the beginning of this paragraph, I might be selfish in my desires to remain
single, but I think that it is more likely that God has been changing my
desires, due to how “natural” it is to want to marry and then due to how I used
to want to be married so badly.
This is not
so say that marriage is bad; it just may not be something that I am called to.
It is also not to say that I may be called to be single for the rest of my
life. Maybe God will one day rekindle the desire for marriage in me. Maybe He
just wants to get a lot of use out of my “early” adult years, and He doesn’t
want me to be distracted by crushes on guys or anything like that. However,
until God so changes my desires back to marriage, I will enjoy singleness and
the work that I am able to do for God.
