The Call to Singleness

            During the past few years, I have always joked that I could picture myself anywhere from being a nun to being the next Mrs. Duggar with 19 kids. During the past few months, I have sensed a leaning more towards being a nun. Well, maybe not that extreme—but single and working at Oakridge or whatever Christian ministry God has for me. I do not believe that this new leaning is rooted from an “oh, pity me; I’m still single; no guy is ever going to marry me” type of attitude. Instead, I believe that God is leading me down this road.

            During my first few years of college, if I liked a guy, I would try to be discreet about it and hope that he would ask me out, but then I would eventually come right out and tell the guy, even though there was no indication of interest from him. This led to a lot of brokenness (and I also read I Kissed Dating Goodbye), so I toned it down a bit and just had a lot of crushes on guys who never asked me out, and I never told them that I had an interest in them. This was really hard for me to practice, but it led to less brokenness.

            In the last year, however, singleness has been less difficult for me. During the last year, I have still had a lot of crushes on guys, but I’ve also been content with singleness. My attitude has been, “If God wants to bring a man to pursue me, that’s fine; if not, I’ll enjoy the benefits of singleness.” Maybe this shift in attitude occurred because I have thought more about marriage and all that it includes. I thought about it, and I realized that I am probably getting the best sleep of my life right now as a single person. With marriage, I’m sure there come fights about how cold to set the thermostat at night, snoring, sides of the bed, etc. I am glad that I don’t have to deal with that at this point in time.

            Be that as it may, I have felt an ever-increasing desire for singleness during the past few months. My attitude is no longer “if God wants to bring a man to pursue me, that’s fine; if not; I’ll enjoy the benefits of singleness.” On the contrary, I am not sure that, even if a man started to pursue me, I would be interested. I have seen several instances during the past few months where I was able to serve because I am single, and that brought me a lot of joy. I appreciate the opportunity to serve the Lord and not be “concerned about the affairs of this world—how [I] can please [my] husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34). I can only imagine how torn those who are in ministry sometimes feel. I’m sure they look forward to going home at the end of the day to be with their families. If I remain single, I do not have to feel torn.

            In addition to all these things, in having conversations with other women, I believe that I do not “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). So that element of singleness really works out in my favor. :)

            It could be that I am just being selfish in my desire for singleness. Like I said above, I am probably getting the best sleep of my life now as a single person. In addition, I am introverted, so I cannot imagine having to share a house with someone after a long day’s work. I would want a quiet place to come home to in order to rest. Also, there is more freedom in singleness, in that one can come and go as one pleases and does not have to plan too far in advance to go somewhere. Plus, I like being a part of other people’s families, and that isn’t very practical when one is trying to build a family of one’s own. As I said at the beginning of this paragraph, I might be selfish in my desires to remain single, but I think that it is more likely that God has been changing my desires, due to how “natural” it is to want to marry and then due to how I used to want to be married so badly.

            This is not so say that marriage is bad; it just may not be something that I am called to. It is also not to say that I may be called to be single for the rest of my life. Maybe God will one day rekindle the desire for marriage in me. Maybe He just wants to get a lot of use out of my “early” adult years, and He doesn’t want me to be distracted by crushes on guys or anything like that. However, until God so changes my desires back to marriage, I will enjoy singleness and the work that I am able to do for God.

Sloth: God, Grant me the Heart and Discipline to Change

I'll be honest with everyone. The past few months I feel like I have grown distant from God. It's not like I'm a rebel against God though. I just feel not as close to Him as I have felt in the past. I like to try to compare it to the realm of human relationships. Any human relationship takes time and effort, and, if you don't put those in, the relationship will grow farther apart. I feel like the same has happened with my relationship with God.

As I look back on the past couple of months, I see two factors that have played into this, one of which I had control over and one of which I didn't. The first factor is that, due to my job, I have been able to attend church less often. The second factor is that I have not been faithfully and consistently spending alone time with God.

Here's more explanation about the first factor: Normally, I would say that one shouldn't skip for church for work. However, when it comes to the personal care of an individual, the matter is a little bit different. In my case, it hasn't been so much as, "I need to work on Sundays so that I can earn more money to pay my bills," but "if I didn't go to work today, then this individual wouldn't have anyone to get her out of bed or feed her or be there in case she needed anything." In the first scenario, the focus is on "self" and could indicate a lack of trust in God, who has commanded that one is to rest on the 7th day (and perhaps that person has a different "7th day," and that's why I said could indicate instead of just indicate). In the second scenario, the focus is on serving another individual. I don't need to work on Sundays, but that individual needs me to work to care for his or her needs. That key difference between the two scenarios was difficult at first to discern, but it is the conclusion that I have come to concerning the matter at this moment.


Unlike the first factor that I have little control over, I have more control over the second factor of spending time alone with God. I can make a myriad of excuses (I'm too busy, I slept in, etc.), but they are just that--excuses. To a great extent, I am in control of the pace of my life, and I am also in control of my sleep schedule.

It may be that there is a correlation between church attendance and daily Bible reading. I know that there is for me. The more that I go to church and see and hear about the faithfulness of other Christians, the more it makes me want to be a faithful Christian as well. However, just because there is a correlation there doesn't mean that I have an excuse for not doing daily Bible reading if I am unable to make it to church.

In all of this, I have been reminded of what is known as the "serenity prayer," which says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I cannot change how I need to work on some Sundays; I can change my habits when it comes to spending time with God. However, I would change the serenity prayer to "God, grant me the...heart to change the things I can," or "God, grant me the...discipline to change the things I can." A lot of something can be a heart issue. If I haven't made time to spend with God and further my relationship with Him, what does that say about how I prioritize that? I know that I should want to spend time with God, and it is something that I tell myself that I want to do, but if I haven't made any changes to my life to accommodate that, what does that say about how much I actually want to? So it might be a heart issue. I need to pray, "Lord, grant me the heart that is desirous of spending time with You, where I just can't get enough of You."

In addition to needing a change of heart, I also need discipline to make the change. It is difficult to re-instill a habit that one once had. It takes work. It means disciplining myself to go to bed at a decent time so that I can get up early. It means disciplining myself to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. It means disciplining my mind to focus on the Lord.

God, grant me the heart and discipline to change.

Ash Wednesday Reflections

For those of you who don't know, today is Ash Wednesday, the day that marks the beginning of Lent. Lent is the period of preparation leading up to Easter. I have never really been a part of a tradition that emphasizes Ash Wednesday (or Lent all that much really either). However, I learned about the "church year" recently in my Capstone class, and I decided that I wanted to be intentional about observing Lent this year. Lent is typically characterized by practices of fasting, abstinence, and repentance. I would like to focus on repentance in this post. I went to JBU's Ash Wednesday service today. As I sat there and reflected, I realized that I am not really repentant. Much of this has to do with my view of myself as a sinner (or lack thereof). I do not really believe that I am a sinner. I mean, I know that I am a sinner in my head, but someone has said that there's a large distance between the head and the heart. It has not registered in my heart that I am a sinner. Thus, if I do not believe that I am a sinner, why do I need to repent? So, when everyone was invited to come and receive ashes on their foreheads as a sign of their dependence on God and as a sign of their repentance, I could only sit in the pew and think about my lack of conviction that I am a sinner.

I don't think that this is unfamiliar territory that I am treading in my spiritual journey. I have experienced times before like this where I am not really convinced and convicted of my sin. It is during times like these that I think of the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, recorded in Luke 18:9-14. The text reads as follows:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said: 'God have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

I think that, for a lot of my life, I have been the Pharisee. I tend to think of myself more highly than I ought. My prayer, thus, as I begin the Lenten season is that God would make me more like the tax collector, aware of my sin. I hope that I can soon genuinely cry out like David, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

Questions for Discussion: Have you ever found yourself in a similar place spiritually, aware in your head that you're a sinner, but not really believing it in your heart? What have you found to be helpful during such times?