This school year has been one filled with a lot of doubt, specifically doubt concerning my salvation. The doubt seems to keep coming back. In the fall semester, I would say that the doubt was more unhealthy than not. It had me dejected. This semester, however, I think that the doubt has been more beneficial and actually healthy. I am still dealing with the doubt, but I really hope that, in the end, it will draw me closer to God, which will make going through it totally worth it.
Why was my doubt the fall semester unhealthy and why has my doubt this semester been more healthy? First, I believe that, because of the trials of last semester, I am closer to God now and also better able to deal with the doubt. Before the beginning of this semester, I did not understand what it looked like practically to "take every thought captive." It was something that I knew that Christians are supposed to do, but I never really knew how to put it into practice. Now, I understand that with every thought that enters my mind, I can take it to God and say, "God, I just had this thought..." and I proceed to talk to Him about it. "God, I know that this thought is displeasing to You. Please change my thoughts." "God, this thought just crossed my mind. How does this line up with Your Word? What is Your Truth in this situation?"
Although I feel closer to God and have learned how to "take every thought captive," I believe that the main reason that the doubt this semester has been more beneficial than the doubt last semester is because the doubts are of two different kinds. The doubt last semester was more of a look at how my actions and thoughts and motives lined up with God's Word and the resulting disappointment that my life did not actually align. It was a doubt based on my actions/thoughts. That doubt produced despair. A kind friend, Jonathan Marks, reached out and reminded me of what Scripture has to say about salvation. That conversation encouraged me, but it was only temporary encouragement. The doubt lingered.
This semester, the doubt has been less based on my actions and instead has been more of a volitional doubt.
Do I really want to follow God? On the morning of March 7, I had prayed, "Lord, is hell even that bad?" I did not want to give up specific sins and acts of the flesh, and that is what prompted that prayer. Since that time, God has slowly been working on me and melting the pride, independence, stubbornness, and rebelliousness in my heart. I do not feel as controlled by some of the lusts of the flesh I had let myself slip into.
However, I'm still struggling with having Christ be Lord of my life. This was a topic that I explored in my journal on March 12: "Lord God, I am really confused right now. I don't really know if I want to follow You...And yet I'm praying for others...to come to know You, and yet I don't really know if I want to follow You myself. Does that actually mean that I'm still a Christian and do want to follow You? Or does a prayer like that come more from routine? I don't know." On March 11, I had written the question: "Would I have decided to follow Christ if I had known the cost?"
Then it hit me: What would happen if I viewed my relationship with God like it was a marriage? I have always been 100% committed to the "marriage is for life" commandment laid down in God's Word. Yet, why couldn't I be 100% committed to God? Why couldn't I protect my relationship with Him the way that I will have to protect and guard my marriage to my future husband? How that would change so much about how I live! Every little thing, every interaction with someone would change!
Then, I went to New Orleans on a mission trip and, on the last night, a devotional was given around a bonfire. It was about surrender. People were supposed to write on a piece of paper things/situations that they wanted to surrender to God and then they were given the opportunity to throw the paper in the fire. In my heart, I felt resistance. Though I was/am currently practicing daily surrender, I did not know if I could surrender my whole life to God. The encouraging thing in this situation is that daily surrender eventually leads to total surrender. If I submit to God each moment of each day, and I do that every day from now until the end of my life, then I will have lived a life of total surrender.
Yet, there's also something in me that is bothered by the fact that the door is left open for me to maybe walk away from Christ. This brought me back to where I was before I had left for spring break: my commitment issue and, thus, my lack of total surrender. The kind of surrender that says, "My life's yours, Lord; use it for Your glory," instead of the daily surrender that says, "Okay, Lord, you can have this moment, but I don't know if I'll be able to give you the next moment."
The Sunday after I got back, I went to church, and the message was based off of John 8:51-59. The pastor left all of us with the challenge, "Who do you say Jesus is? Who is He to you?" At that point, I was thinking, "Well, it's undeniable that He's Lord; He just isn't
my Lord." Can someone still be a Christian that way? I thought to myself, "Well, I'm already pretty restrained in terms of my actions. I can tell people about Jesus to help them find the Truth and encourage them to submit to Jesus because I know that that brings life and freedom and every good thing. I just won't submit to Him myself."
Then, that afternoon I decided that laundry needed to be done, so when it came time to fold the laundry, I put on my bluetooth headphones and was going to listen to Focus on the Family. There was some sort of glitch where it wasn't working fast enough, so I turned to my second option: a sermon from desiringgod.org. I wanted to listen to whatever sermon was the most recent, but I couldn't find the function that does that. So I ended up with my third option: gty.org. I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur entitled "The Freedom of True Discipleship" based off of the text John 8:31-36. In it, he talked about the "benchmark" of true discipleship as well as the "benefit" of true discipleship. The benchmark of true discipleship is continuing perseverance and adherence to the teaching of Christ, as John 8:31 says, "Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.'" Then MacArthur mentioned the parable of the wheat and the tares, which MacArthur interpreted as meaning that there will be people who look like they're Christians, and they'll go to church and such during their lifetime, but they actually
aren't Christians. All of this led me to have doubt, but good doubt, I would say: "What if I am a tare? What if I have not actually been a Christian all of this time? I've only been a Christian for 11 years. Could it be that that's only been a short time and more perseverance is needed--lifetime perseverance? Could it be that I am the 'thorns' where the seed fell? Could it be that I am 'the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful' (Matthew 13:22)? Could it be that I am the one who 'lasts only a short time' (Matthew 13:21)? What constitutes a 'short time'?"
In addition to raising doubt, the sermon that I listened to also answered my previous thoughts concerning wanting others to find Christ, but not submitting to Him myself. People who do that really aren't Christians. Also, it's only possible to pretend for so long. Additionally, perhaps one of the best witnesses for Christ is one's lifestyle and own personal obedience to Him, something that I wouldn't have. Also, any work that I would do to try to direct others to Jesus would be pointless. Unbelievers do not have the Holy Spirit, and so I would just be telling other people about Jesus in my own power and strength, rather than the power and strength of God. I don't think that my words would be blessed.
Jesus talks about "counting the cost" of being His disciple in Luke 14:25-35. He says in verses 26-27, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Several verses later he says, "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple" (v. 33). There are Christian summer camps where kids can learn about Jesus, and the goal is for them to either 1) become Christians if they are not or 2) to grow in their already existing relationship with Christ. Part of the message of the Gospel is the Lordship of Christ. Romans 10:9 says that "if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." The first part, "confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,'' often gets neglected. How can a child, though, understand the cost of following Jesus? Certainly, it can be applied to his or her present circumstances. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to honor your father and mother and pick up your toys even when you don't want to. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to be kind to the friend at school who calls you mean names. Yet, children don't understand at the time that they will need to give up their future desire to marry someone about whom the Lord says, "No, I have someone better in mind for you." Children can't foresee the things that will happen down the road and the things that they will have to give up to follow Jesus. And adults really cannot either. At first, when dealing with this volitional doubt, I thought, "Okay, I now understand what it means to follow Jesus. I now understand what I will have to give up. I'm an adult now, and I've seen some of the things that I have to give up, as well as some of the things that others have had to give up that I might have to give up down the road." However, I think that this thought is slightly flawed. Even if as adults people are aware of a lot of what they'll have to give up to follow Jesus, no one can ever anticipate all that they will have to give up to follow Him.
The encouraging thing in all of this is that, if one has been practicing obedience and surrender to the Lord, even as new situations arise, one will be more likely to follow Jesus in those situations for two reasons. First of all, His faithfulness to them will have already been proven, so they can trust Him to have control of this new situation. Second of all, obedience and surrender to the Lord are already a habit.
Yet, these two things (1. MacArthur's sermon and the corresponding thought of, "Well, how long does one need to persevere?" 2. The idea of not knowing all that people will have to give up to follow Jesus.) have caused me to wonder more about salvation. My belief, up until this time, was that there's a conversion experience that one goes through. There's a moment when one says, "Yes, Lord." Yet, if there's no telling how long one must persevere, how can anyone claim to be a Christian at any point in time? How does one know that he or she is not a tare and will actually fall away from the faith later on when it comes time to give up something? And yet, there are many places in Scripture that speak about having
assurance of salvation and there's also the hymn "Blessed Assurance." I
did pray sometime this past summer that I wanted assurance of my salvation,
and so, maybe, hopefully, all of the doubts that I've had (and still am having) are all a part of moving me
towards "blessed assurance."
So, where does that leave me? I am still in doubt land. What if all of this time has only been the Spirit regenerating me to a point where I will finally say "yes" to God's Lordship? People always say that they know that they're Christians because they've been changed. Well, have I really changed? I like to think that I was already a "good" child, so it's more difficult to tell. Also, could I fabricate change, or has there been some change in me that is undeniably from God? What would those who have known me over a long period of time say about this? Have they seen a change in me? Also, there's the song "Come, Now is the Time to Worship," which says, "One day every tongue will confess You are God. One day every knee will bow. Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." These words comes from Scripture, specifically Philippians 2:10-11, which says, "That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." What I noticed is that the song says, "Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." So, now that raises more doubt in my mind. If I were to make a decision to be obedient to Christ and to submit to Him for the rest of my days, no matter what comes up, how could I know that I'm doing it cheerfully? How could I know that I am actually
choosing to follow Him, and, in essence,
choosing Him, instead of having an attitude that says, "Well, I know that one day everyone is going to have to confess that He is Lord and that everyone is going to have to bow before Him, so I might as well do it now"? Because with an attitude like that, one is going to end up in hell, because that person would not enjoy heaven anyways.
So where am I now? What I've actually found is that the doubt that I had the fall semester of this year, that I thought was different than the doubt of this spring semester, was actually symptomatic of a deeper problem that was manifested in my doubt this semester: my will. The two types of doubt are actually one and the same. My lack of obedience to God's commands (and thus the questioning of my salvation based off of John 14:15 where Jesus says, "If you love me, you will obey what I command,"--my reasoning was: well, I'm not obeying Jesus' commands, so I must not actually love Him, so I must not actually be saved) the first semester was just symptomatic of my commitment problem to God and my doubt about whether I really wanted to follow Him. Even with the doubt that remains, I am still "acting" (not really as an
actor in the play, who pretends to be someone whom he or she is not, but
as in "living") as a Christian. I'm still reading my Bible daily and
going to church and really trying to seek the Lord and submit to Him on a
moment-by-moment, day-by-day basis. I trust that the Lord will see me
through all of this and use it for His glory. I speak and act as if He
will get me through to the other side, and I believe that He will. Also, I am glad that I am going through all of this now, rather than later. I am at JBU, where I have a strong support system of church friends, students, and teachers. Also, I have great hopes that my experience of this doubt will allow me to be of greater use to God, and I hope that it has been great preparation for whatever arena of ministry I end up in one day.
Appendix:
Songs on surrender that I've come to love and listen to and pray over myself again and again:
I Lift My Life Up by Unspoken (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBv2cjTiBd8)
You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edFCHgoFyuE)
As for Me and My House by John Waller (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjRiNL1HKns)
(Why don't we sing any of these in chapel at JBU?)
