For those of you who don't know, today is Ash Wednesday, the day that marks the beginning of Lent. Lent is the period of preparation leading up to Easter. I have never really been a part of a tradition that emphasizes Ash Wednesday (or Lent all that much really either). However, I learned about the "church year" recently in my Capstone class, and I decided that I wanted to be intentional about observing Lent this year. Lent is typically characterized by practices of fasting, abstinence, and repentance. I would like to focus on repentance in this post. I went to JBU's Ash Wednesday service today. As I sat there and reflected, I realized that I am not really repentant. Much of this has to do with my view of myself as a sinner (or lack thereof). I do not really believe that I am a sinner. I mean, I know that I am a sinner in my head, but someone has said that there's a large distance between the head and the heart. It has not registered in my heart that I am a sinner. Thus, if I do not believe that I am a sinner, why do I need to repent? So, when everyone was invited to come and receive ashes on their foreheads as a sign of their dependence on God and as a sign of their repentance, I could only sit in the pew and think about my lack of conviction that I am a sinner.
I don't think that this is unfamiliar territory that I am treading in my spiritual journey. I have experienced times before like this where I am not really convinced and convicted of my sin. It is during times like these that I think of the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, recorded in Luke 18:9-14. The text reads as follows:
To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said: 'God have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."
I think that, for a lot of my life, I have been the Pharisee. I tend to think of myself more highly than I ought. My prayer, thus, as I begin the Lenten season is that God would make me more like the tax collector, aware of my sin. I hope that I can soon genuinely cry out like David, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).
Questions for Discussion: Have you ever found yourself in a similar place spiritually, aware in your head that you're a sinner, but not really believing it in your heart? What have you found to be helpful during such times?
