The Call to Singleness

            During the past few years, I have always joked that I could picture myself anywhere from being a nun to being the next Mrs. Duggar with 19 kids. During the past few months, I have sensed a leaning more towards being a nun. Well, maybe not that extreme—but single and working at Oakridge or whatever Christian ministry God has for me. I do not believe that this new leaning is rooted from an “oh, pity me; I’m still single; no guy is ever going to marry me” type of attitude. Instead, I believe that God is leading me down this road.

            During my first few years of college, if I liked a guy, I would try to be discreet about it and hope that he would ask me out, but then I would eventually come right out and tell the guy, even though there was no indication of interest from him. This led to a lot of brokenness (and I also read I Kissed Dating Goodbye), so I toned it down a bit and just had a lot of crushes on guys who never asked me out, and I never told them that I had an interest in them. This was really hard for me to practice, but it led to less brokenness.

            In the last year, however, singleness has been less difficult for me. During the last year, I have still had a lot of crushes on guys, but I’ve also been content with singleness. My attitude has been, “If God wants to bring a man to pursue me, that’s fine; if not, I’ll enjoy the benefits of singleness.” Maybe this shift in attitude occurred because I have thought more about marriage and all that it includes. I thought about it, and I realized that I am probably getting the best sleep of my life right now as a single person. With marriage, I’m sure there come fights about how cold to set the thermostat at night, snoring, sides of the bed, etc. I am glad that I don’t have to deal with that at this point in time.

            Be that as it may, I have felt an ever-increasing desire for singleness during the past few months. My attitude is no longer “if God wants to bring a man to pursue me, that’s fine; if not; I’ll enjoy the benefits of singleness.” On the contrary, I am not sure that, even if a man started to pursue me, I would be interested. I have seen several instances during the past few months where I was able to serve because I am single, and that brought me a lot of joy. I appreciate the opportunity to serve the Lord and not be “concerned about the affairs of this world—how [I] can please [my] husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34). I can only imagine how torn those who are in ministry sometimes feel. I’m sure they look forward to going home at the end of the day to be with their families. If I remain single, I do not have to feel torn.

            In addition to all these things, in having conversations with other women, I believe that I do not “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). So that element of singleness really works out in my favor. :)

            It could be that I am just being selfish in my desire for singleness. Like I said above, I am probably getting the best sleep of my life now as a single person. In addition, I am introverted, so I cannot imagine having to share a house with someone after a long day’s work. I would want a quiet place to come home to in order to rest. Also, there is more freedom in singleness, in that one can come and go as one pleases and does not have to plan too far in advance to go somewhere. Plus, I like being a part of other people’s families, and that isn’t very practical when one is trying to build a family of one’s own. As I said at the beginning of this paragraph, I might be selfish in my desires to remain single, but I think that it is more likely that God has been changing my desires, due to how “natural” it is to want to marry and then due to how I used to want to be married so badly.

            This is not so say that marriage is bad; it just may not be something that I am called to. It is also not to say that I may be called to be single for the rest of my life. Maybe God will one day rekindle the desire for marriage in me. Maybe He just wants to get a lot of use out of my “early” adult years, and He doesn’t want me to be distracted by crushes on guys or anything like that. However, until God so changes my desires back to marriage, I will enjoy singleness and the work that I am able to do for God.

Sloth: God, Grant me the Heart and Discipline to Change

I'll be honest with everyone. The past few months I feel like I have grown distant from God. It's not like I'm a rebel against God though. I just feel not as close to Him as I have felt in the past. I like to try to compare it to the realm of human relationships. Any human relationship takes time and effort, and, if you don't put those in, the relationship will grow farther apart. I feel like the same has happened with my relationship with God.

As I look back on the past couple of months, I see two factors that have played into this, one of which I had control over and one of which I didn't. The first factor is that, due to my job, I have been able to attend church less often. The second factor is that I have not been faithfully and consistently spending alone time with God.

Here's more explanation about the first factor: Normally, I would say that one shouldn't skip for church for work. However, when it comes to the personal care of an individual, the matter is a little bit different. In my case, it hasn't been so much as, "I need to work on Sundays so that I can earn more money to pay my bills," but "if I didn't go to work today, then this individual wouldn't have anyone to get her out of bed or feed her or be there in case she needed anything." In the first scenario, the focus is on "self" and could indicate a lack of trust in God, who has commanded that one is to rest on the 7th day (and perhaps that person has a different "7th day," and that's why I said could indicate instead of just indicate). In the second scenario, the focus is on serving another individual. I don't need to work on Sundays, but that individual needs me to work to care for his or her needs. That key difference between the two scenarios was difficult at first to discern, but it is the conclusion that I have come to concerning the matter at this moment.


Unlike the first factor that I have little control over, I have more control over the second factor of spending time alone with God. I can make a myriad of excuses (I'm too busy, I slept in, etc.), but they are just that--excuses. To a great extent, I am in control of the pace of my life, and I am also in control of my sleep schedule.

It may be that there is a correlation between church attendance and daily Bible reading. I know that there is for me. The more that I go to church and see and hear about the faithfulness of other Christians, the more it makes me want to be a faithful Christian as well. However, just because there is a correlation there doesn't mean that I have an excuse for not doing daily Bible reading if I am unable to make it to church.

In all of this, I have been reminded of what is known as the "serenity prayer," which says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I cannot change how I need to work on some Sundays; I can change my habits when it comes to spending time with God. However, I would change the serenity prayer to "God, grant me the...heart to change the things I can," or "God, grant me the...discipline to change the things I can." A lot of something can be a heart issue. If I haven't made time to spend with God and further my relationship with Him, what does that say about how I prioritize that? I know that I should want to spend time with God, and it is something that I tell myself that I want to do, but if I haven't made any changes to my life to accommodate that, what does that say about how much I actually want to? So it might be a heart issue. I need to pray, "Lord, grant me the heart that is desirous of spending time with You, where I just can't get enough of You."

In addition to needing a change of heart, I also need discipline to make the change. It is difficult to re-instill a habit that one once had. It takes work. It means disciplining myself to go to bed at a decent time so that I can get up early. It means disciplining myself to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. It means disciplining my mind to focus on the Lord.

God, grant me the heart and discipline to change.

Ash Wednesday Reflections

For those of you who don't know, today is Ash Wednesday, the day that marks the beginning of Lent. Lent is the period of preparation leading up to Easter. I have never really been a part of a tradition that emphasizes Ash Wednesday (or Lent all that much really either). However, I learned about the "church year" recently in my Capstone class, and I decided that I wanted to be intentional about observing Lent this year. Lent is typically characterized by practices of fasting, abstinence, and repentance. I would like to focus on repentance in this post. I went to JBU's Ash Wednesday service today. As I sat there and reflected, I realized that I am not really repentant. Much of this has to do with my view of myself as a sinner (or lack thereof). I do not really believe that I am a sinner. I mean, I know that I am a sinner in my head, but someone has said that there's a large distance between the head and the heart. It has not registered in my heart that I am a sinner. Thus, if I do not believe that I am a sinner, why do I need to repent? So, when everyone was invited to come and receive ashes on their foreheads as a sign of their dependence on God and as a sign of their repentance, I could only sit in the pew and think about my lack of conviction that I am a sinner.

I don't think that this is unfamiliar territory that I am treading in my spiritual journey. I have experienced times before like this where I am not really convinced and convicted of my sin. It is during times like these that I think of the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, recorded in Luke 18:9-14. The text reads as follows:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said: 'God have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

I think that, for a lot of my life, I have been the Pharisee. I tend to think of myself more highly than I ought. My prayer, thus, as I begin the Lenten season is that God would make me more like the tax collector, aware of my sin. I hope that I can soon genuinely cry out like David, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

Questions for Discussion: Have you ever found yourself in a similar place spiritually, aware in your head that you're a sinner, but not really believing it in your heart? What have you found to be helpful during such times?

Christmas Letter

*Below is the Christmas letter that I wrote this year, for those who are interested in reading it.*

Christmas 2014

Dear family, friends, neighbors, and strangers,

I hope that this letter finds you well. It is difficult to believe that I just have one semester of college left and then I graduate in May! I have been living with and caring for an elderly lady with Parkinson’s Disease this semester, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it! In fact, I am thinking about becoming a certified nursing assistant (CNA) upon graduation. (I hope to, sooner or later, actually get around to using my degree in Biblical and Theological Studies, but it might have to wait for a few years while I work to pay off student loans.)

            Anyways, I didn’t want to write this Christmas letter to tell you so much about me as about one of the major things that I have learned during my time at John Brown. Over the years at JBU, I have come to realize that many people hold to the view that there can be certain levels of Christians. Usually the ones who are more devout in their walks with Jesus are termed “Jesus freaks” or they are called “more spiritual.” Yet, there is no difference or degree in terms of Christians. One is either a Christian or not. One either chooses to follow Jesus with his or her life or does not. This common misconception greatly disturbs me, mostly because many people believe that they are going to heaven when they die, and they are not.

            Too many times, I think that Christianity is painted as the answer to all of life’s problems: “Oh, just say this prayer and then your life will be good and happy.” That’s never what Jesus promised. In John 16:33, Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Then, there is also 2 Timothy 3:12, which says, “In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.” The answer to all of life’s problems is not found in saying a prayer and then going off to live life as one pleases. True joy and peace are found in an abiding relationship with Jesus Christ in which one submits himself or herself to Jesus’ will. Self no longer lives, but, as Paul said in Galatians 2:21, “Christ lives.” This is in accord with what Jesus said in Matthew 16:24-25, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” Sounds paradoxical, doesn’t it? Yet, it’s true. I have experienced it in my own life.

            Perhaps you are reading this and you have never heard of Jesus before. If that’s the case, I would encourage you to seek Him and find out more about what I have said in this letter. Get a copy of the Bible and start reading it, starting with the “books” of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, which will tell you a lot about Jesus and His life.  

            Perhaps you are reading this, and you know a little bit about Christianity and Jesus, but it is new to you that God wants to have a personal relationship with you. If that’s the case, my encouragement to you is the same as to the person who has never heard of Jesus before. Read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, but do not read them with the intent of acquiring head knowledge; instead, read them with the intent of getting to know Jesus.

            Or perhaps you are reading this and you know that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you. You know that you have been living life the way that you want to instead of submitting to Jesus. If that’s the case, then I urge you to stop resisting the Spirit and to submit to Jesus.

            Or maybe you are reading this, and you are experiencing the joy and peace that come from an abiding relationship with Jesus Christ and from submitting to Him. If that is the case, then continue to follow Him.

            If you wish to share how this letter has impacted you, then please feel free to leave a comment below.

Love,

Leah

The Only That Satisfies: Jesus Christ

I want to tell you the only that satisfies. Perhaps when you read that, you thought to yourself, "Leah, you forgot a word between 'only' and 'that.'" I did not forget the word, but I deliberately left it out, because there are problems with both "thing" and "person." If I had used the word "thing," that seems disrespectful, if the only "thing" that satisfies is a person. However, if I had used the word "person," it could imply that there is only one person that satisfies, but that there might be "things" that satisfy as well.

With that said, the only that satisfies is Jesus Christ. It is something that is simple, but something that I always forget. With my senior year in college upon me and graduation looming (hopefully!), I am left wondering where in the United States (or perhaps the world), I will be located next. Will it be Michigan, the place where I grew up and where my family resides? Will it be in Arkansas, where I've attended college? Might it be in Colorado, which I fell in love with this summer? Or will it be none of those places?

I think to myself, "If I went to Michigan, then I would be close to my family. If I went to Arkansas, then I would already have some sort of a community. If I went to Colorado, then I would be close to beautiful mountains and some of my friends from camp."

But then reality sets in, "If I went to Michigan, then I won't be able to be with the Arkansas community that I love, and I won't be able to see a lot of my camp friends. If I went to Arkansas, then I would be away from my family and my camp friends. If I went to Colorado, then I would not see my family or the community that I have in Arkansas." It seems that every single option falls short. It always seems that if I'm in Colorado, then I am missing my family. If I am in Michigan, I am missing my friends who live elsewhere.

So location and the accompanying people don't satisfy. What about marriage though? One of the things that I have really longed for a large part of my life is a best friend, the one that is found when one is married. I've always desired someone to do stuff together with. I've yet to be married, so I cannot say that I have personally experienced marriage falling short of satisfaction. However, just picture this scenario: You get married, the day that you've been waiting for quite a long time. Then, the next day, your spouse dies somehow. The truth is, none of us are guaranteed another day on this earth. We do not know when we'll die. We cannot count on marriage, or any human relationship, for that matter, for satisfaction.

The same goes for jobs, money, and belongings. All of that stuff could disappear in an instant.

The only that satisfies and that will endure forever is one's relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. So I ask you: Are you pursuing the only that satisfies, or are you pursuing other things? What are the things that you can do this week to pursue the only that satisfies?

Freedom from the Fear of Suicide (and, Consequently, Suicide Itself)

In light of the suspected suicide of Robin Williams and now the talk on social media of suicide and also people airing their opinions, I thought I would share with everyone a piece of my own story. Unlike Robin Williams, I have never struggled with depression. However, very possibly like Robin Williams, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. (I know that there are different and various categories of depression. Depression as I am defining it in this piece is a disturbance of mood, particularly a depressed mood, to such a degree that the tasks of daily life are difficult to perform.) Why do I say that? Well, I have never had such a low mood that I have had trouble functioning with daily tasks. I have had such a low mood though that I've contemplated committing suicide. Usually my low moods would originate with me meditating on the brokenness of the world.

The thought that I might commit suicide used to scare me. The act of suicide itself did not scare me; the repercussions of suicide, however, did. I have heard speeches from family members of loved ones who committed suicide, and I did not want my family or friends to have to experience the pain, the brokenness, or the regret that often comes with that. Also, I thought of my adopted "nephew" and "niece," and how something like that would ever be explained to them. That would just be traumatic.

This burden, this fear of suicide, weighed heavily upon me. It was during this time that I remembered what I had learned in my Discipleship and Evangelism class. Jesus Christ is Lord, and He wants to be in control of every part of our lives, for our own good. This thought led me to the realization that Jesus is not only Lord of my life, but He is also Lord of my death. He is the one who determines when I will die. I have absolutely no right to ever end my life. I accepted that Christ was Lord of my death. After I had made that decision, there was a few times when suicidal thoughts came up. However, they had no control over me; they gave me no fear. I just took those thoughts straight to God and said, "God, I'm having these suicidal thoughts. However, I've already determined that You are the one who decides when I will die. Not me. Take these thoughts away from me." As time went on, suicidal thoughts left me completely. I think it's because Satan realized that they did not have a grip on me.

So, if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts (with or without depression), I would encourage you to take those thoughts to God and submit to Him as the one who decides when you will die. Tell Him that He can determine that and not your own self. That is how I received freedom from the fear of suicide, and, consequently, suicide itself.

Doubt, God's Lordship, Commitment, Surrender, and Questions about How Salvation Works

This school year has been one filled with a lot of doubt, specifically doubt concerning my salvation. The doubt seems to keep coming back. In the fall semester, I would say that the doubt was more unhealthy than not. It had me dejected. This semester, however, I think that the doubt has been more beneficial and actually healthy. I am still dealing with the doubt, but I really hope that, in the end, it will draw me closer to God, which will make going through it totally worth it.

Why was my doubt the fall semester unhealthy and why has my doubt this semester been more healthy? First, I believe that, because of the trials of last semester, I am closer to God now and also better able to deal with the doubt. Before the beginning of this semester, I did not understand what it looked like practically to "take every thought captive." It was something that I knew that Christians are supposed to do, but I never really knew how to put it into practice. Now, I understand that with every thought that enters my mind, I can take it to God and say, "God, I just had this thought..." and I proceed to talk to Him about it. "God, I know that this thought is displeasing to You. Please change my thoughts." "God, this thought just crossed my mind. How does this line up with Your Word? What is Your Truth in this situation?"

Although I feel closer to God and have learned how to "take every thought captive," I believe that the main reason that the doubt this semester has been more beneficial than the doubt last semester is because the doubts are of two different kinds. The doubt last semester was more of a look at how my actions and thoughts and motives lined up with God's Word and the resulting disappointment that my life did not actually align. It was a doubt based on my actions/thoughts. That doubt produced despair. A kind friend, Jonathan Marks, reached out and reminded me of what Scripture has to say about salvation. That conversation encouraged me, but it was only temporary encouragement. The doubt lingered.

This semester, the doubt has been less based on my actions and instead has been more of a volitional doubt. Do I really want to follow God? On the morning of March 7, I had prayed, "Lord, is hell even that bad?" I did not want to give up specific sins and acts of the flesh, and that is what prompted that prayer. Since that time, God has slowly been working on me and melting the pride, independence, stubbornness, and rebelliousness in my heart. I do not feel as controlled by some of the lusts of the flesh I had let myself slip into.

However, I'm still struggling with having Christ be Lord of my life. This was a topic that I explored in my journal on March 12: "Lord God, I am really confused right now. I don't really know if I want to follow You...And yet I'm praying for others...to come to know You, and yet I don't really know if I want to follow You myself. Does that actually mean that I'm still a Christian and do want to follow You? Or does a prayer like that come more from routine? I don't know." On March 11, I had written the question: "Would I have decided to follow Christ if I had known the cost?"

Then it hit me: What would happen if I viewed my relationship with God like it was a marriage? I have always been 100% committed to the "marriage is for life" commandment laid down in God's Word. Yet, why couldn't I be 100% committed to God? Why couldn't I protect my relationship with Him the way that I will have to protect and guard my marriage to my future husband? How that would change so much about how I live! Every little thing, every interaction with someone would change!

Then, I went to New Orleans on a mission trip and, on the last night, a devotional was given around a bonfire. It was about surrender. People were supposed to write on a piece of paper things/situations that they wanted to surrender to God and then they were given the opportunity to throw the paper in the fire. In my heart, I felt resistance. Though I was/am currently practicing daily surrender, I did not know if I could surrender my whole life to God. The encouraging thing in this situation is that daily surrender eventually leads to total surrender. If I submit to God each moment of each day, and I do that every day from now until the end of my life, then I will have lived a life of total surrender.

Yet, there's also something in me that is bothered by the fact that the door is left open for me to maybe walk away from Christ. This brought me back to where I was before I had left for spring break: my commitment issue and, thus, my lack of total surrender. The kind of surrender that says, "My life's yours, Lord; use it for Your glory," instead of the daily surrender that says, "Okay, Lord, you can have this moment, but I don't know if I'll be able to give you the next moment."

The Sunday after I got back, I went to church, and the message was based off of John 8:51-59. The pastor left all of us with the challenge, "Who do you say Jesus is? Who is He to you?" At that point, I was thinking, "Well, it's undeniable that He's Lord; He just isn't my Lord." Can someone still be a Christian that way? I thought to myself, "Well, I'm already pretty restrained in terms of my actions. I can tell people about Jesus to help them find the Truth and encourage them to submit to Jesus because I know that that brings life and freedom and every good thing. I just won't submit to Him myself."

Then, that afternoon I decided that laundry needed to be done, so when it came time to fold the laundry, I put on my bluetooth headphones and was going to listen to Focus on the Family. There was some sort of glitch where it wasn't working fast enough, so I turned to my second option: a sermon from desiringgod.org. I wanted to listen to whatever sermon was the most recent, but I couldn't find the function that does that. So I ended up with my third option: gty.org. I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur entitled "The Freedom of True Discipleship" based off of the text John 8:31-36. In it, he talked about the "benchmark" of true discipleship as well as the "benefit" of true discipleship. The benchmark of true discipleship is continuing perseverance and adherence to the teaching of Christ, as John 8:31 says, "Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.'" Then MacArthur mentioned the parable of the wheat and the tares, which MacArthur interpreted as meaning that there will be people who look like they're Christians, and they'll go to church and such during their lifetime, but they actually aren't Christians. All of this led me to have doubt, but good doubt, I would say: "What if I am a tare? What if I have not actually been a Christian all of this time? I've only been a Christian for 11 years. Could it be that that's only been a short time and more perseverance is needed--lifetime perseverance? Could it be that I am the 'thorns' where the seed fell? Could it be that I am 'the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful' (Matthew 13:22)? Could it be that I am the one who 'lasts only a short time' (Matthew 13:21)? What constitutes a 'short time'?"

In addition to raising doubt, the sermon that I listened to also answered my previous thoughts concerning wanting others to find Christ, but not submitting to Him myself. People who do that really aren't Christians. Also, it's only possible to pretend for so long. Additionally, perhaps one of the best witnesses for Christ is one's lifestyle and own personal obedience to Him, something that I wouldn't have. Also, any work that I would do to try to direct others to Jesus would be pointless. Unbelievers do not have the Holy Spirit, and so I would just be telling other people about Jesus in my own power and strength, rather than the power and strength of God. I don't think that my words would be blessed.

Jesus talks about "counting the cost" of being His disciple in Luke 14:25-35. He says in verses 26-27, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Several verses later he says, "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple" (v. 33). There are Christian summer camps where kids can learn about Jesus, and the goal is for them to either 1) become Christians if they are not or 2) to grow in their already existing relationship with Christ. Part of the message of the Gospel is the Lordship of Christ. Romans 10:9 says that "if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." The first part, "confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,'' often gets neglected. How can a child, though, understand the cost of following Jesus? Certainly, it can be applied to his or her present circumstances. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to honor your father and mother and pick up your toys even when you don't want to. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to be kind to the friend at school who calls you mean names. Yet, children don't understand at the time that they will need to give up their future desire to marry someone about whom the Lord says, "No, I have someone better in mind for you." Children can't foresee the things that will happen down the road and the things that they will have to give up to follow Jesus. And adults really cannot either. At first, when dealing with this volitional doubt, I thought, "Okay, I now understand what it means to follow Jesus. I now understand what I will have to give up. I'm an adult now, and I've seen some of the things that I have to give up, as well as some of the things that others have had to give up that I might have to give up down the road." However, I think that this thought is slightly flawed. Even if as adults people are aware of a lot of what they'll have to give up to follow Jesus, no one can ever anticipate all that they will have to give up to follow Him.

The encouraging thing in all of this is that, if one has been practicing obedience and surrender to the Lord, even as new situations arise, one will be more likely to follow Jesus in those situations for two reasons. First of all, His faithfulness to them will have already been proven, so they can trust Him to have control of this new situation. Second of all, obedience and surrender to the Lord are already a habit.

Yet, these two things (1. MacArthur's sermon and the corresponding thought of, "Well, how long does one need to persevere?" 2. The idea of not knowing all that people will have to give up to follow Jesus.) have caused me to wonder more about salvation. My belief, up until this time, was that there's a conversion experience that one goes through. There's a moment when one says, "Yes, Lord." Yet, if there's no telling how long one must persevere, how can anyone claim to be a Christian at any point in time? How does one know that he or she is not a tare and will actually fall away from the faith later on when it comes time to give up something? And yet, there are many places in Scripture that speak about having assurance of salvation and there's also the hymn "Blessed Assurance." I did pray sometime this past summer that I wanted assurance of my salvation, and so, maybe, hopefully, all of the doubts that I've had (and still am having) are all a part of moving me towards "blessed assurance."

So, where does that leave me? I am still in doubt land. What if all of this time has only been the Spirit regenerating me to a point where I will finally say "yes" to God's Lordship? People always say that they know that they're Christians because they've been changed. Well, have I really changed? I like to think that I was already a "good" child, so it's more difficult to tell. Also, could I fabricate change, or has there been some change in me that is undeniably from God? What would those who have known me over a long period of time say about this? Have they seen a change in me?  Also, there's the song "Come, Now is the Time to Worship," which says, "One day every tongue will confess You are God. One day every knee will bow. Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." These words comes from Scripture, specifically Philippians 2:10-11, which says, "That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." What I noticed is that the song says, "Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." So, now that raises more doubt in my mind. If I were to make a decision to be obedient to Christ and to submit to Him for the rest of my days, no matter what comes up, how could I know that I'm doing it cheerfully? How could I know that I am actually choosing to follow Him, and, in essence, choosing Him, instead of having an attitude that says, "Well, I know that one day everyone is going to have to confess that He is Lord and that everyone is going to have to bow before Him, so I might as well do it now"? Because with an attitude like that, one is going to end up in hell, because that person would not enjoy heaven anyways.

So where am I now? What I've actually found is that the doubt that I had the fall semester of this year, that I thought was different than the doubt of this spring semester, was actually symptomatic of a deeper problem that was manifested in my doubt this semester: my will. The two types of doubt are actually one and the same. My lack of obedience to God's commands (and thus the questioning of my salvation based off of John 14:15 where Jesus says, "If you love me, you will obey what I command,"--my reasoning was: well, I'm not obeying Jesus' commands, so I must not actually love Him, so I must not actually be saved) the first semester was just symptomatic of my commitment problem to God and my doubt about whether I really wanted to follow Him. Even with the doubt that remains, I am still "acting" (not really as an actor in the play, who pretends to be someone whom he or she is not, but as in "living") as a Christian. I'm still reading my Bible daily and going to church and really trying to seek the Lord and submit to Him on a moment-by-moment, day-by-day basis. I trust that the Lord will see me through all of this and use it for His glory. I speak and act as if He will get me through to the other side, and I believe that He will. Also, I am glad that I am going through all of this now, rather than later. I am at JBU, where I have a strong support system of church friends, students, and teachers. Also, I have great hopes that my experience of this doubt will allow me to be of greater use to God, and I hope that it has been great preparation for whatever arena of ministry I end up in one day.

Appendix:

Songs on surrender that I've come to love and listen to and pray over myself again and again:

I Lift My Life Up by Unspoken (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBv2cjTiBd8)

You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edFCHgoFyuE)

As for Me and My House by John Waller (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjRiNL1HKns)

(Why don't we sing any of these in chapel at JBU?)