Ash Wednesday Reflections

For those of you who don't know, today is Ash Wednesday, the day that marks the beginning of Lent. Lent is the period of preparation leading up to Easter. I have never really been a part of a tradition that emphasizes Ash Wednesday (or Lent all that much really either). However, I learned about the "church year" recently in my Capstone class, and I decided that I wanted to be intentional about observing Lent this year. Lent is typically characterized by practices of fasting, abstinence, and repentance. I would like to focus on repentance in this post. I went to JBU's Ash Wednesday service today. As I sat there and reflected, I realized that I am not really repentant. Much of this has to do with my view of myself as a sinner (or lack thereof). I do not really believe that I am a sinner. I mean, I know that I am a sinner in my head, but someone has said that there's a large distance between the head and the heart. It has not registered in my heart that I am a sinner. Thus, if I do not believe that I am a sinner, why do I need to repent? So, when everyone was invited to come and receive ashes on their foreheads as a sign of their dependence on God and as a sign of their repentance, I could only sit in the pew and think about my lack of conviction that I am a sinner.

I don't think that this is unfamiliar territory that I am treading in my spiritual journey. I have experienced times before like this where I am not really convinced and convicted of my sin. It is during times like these that I think of the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, recorded in Luke 18:9-14. The text reads as follows:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said: 'God have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

I think that, for a lot of my life, I have been the Pharisee. I tend to think of myself more highly than I ought. My prayer, thus, as I begin the Lenten season is that God would make me more like the tax collector, aware of my sin. I hope that I can soon genuinely cry out like David, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

Questions for Discussion: Have you ever found yourself in a similar place spiritually, aware in your head that you're a sinner, but not really believing it in your heart? What have you found to be helpful during such times?