Freedom from the Fear of Suicide (and, Consequently, Suicide Itself)

In light of the suspected suicide of Robin Williams and now the talk on social media of suicide and also people airing their opinions, I thought I would share with everyone a piece of my own story. Unlike Robin Williams, I have never struggled with depression. However, very possibly like Robin Williams, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. (I know that there are different and various categories of depression. Depression as I am defining it in this piece is a disturbance of mood, particularly a depressed mood, to such a degree that the tasks of daily life are difficult to perform.) Why do I say that? Well, I have never had such a low mood that I have had trouble functioning with daily tasks. I have had such a low mood though that I've contemplated committing suicide. Usually my low moods would originate with me meditating on the brokenness of the world.

The thought that I might commit suicide used to scare me. The act of suicide itself did not scare me; the repercussions of suicide, however, did. I have heard speeches from family members of loved ones who committed suicide, and I did not want my family or friends to have to experience the pain, the brokenness, or the regret that often comes with that. Also, I thought of my adopted "nephew" and "niece," and how something like that would ever be explained to them. That would just be traumatic.

This burden, this fear of suicide, weighed heavily upon me. It was during this time that I remembered what I had learned in my Discipleship and Evangelism class. Jesus Christ is Lord, and He wants to be in control of every part of our lives, for our own good. This thought led me to the realization that Jesus is not only Lord of my life, but He is also Lord of my death. He is the one who determines when I will die. I have absolutely no right to ever end my life. I accepted that Christ was Lord of my death. After I had made that decision, there was a few times when suicidal thoughts came up. However, they had no control over me; they gave me no fear. I just took those thoughts straight to God and said, "God, I'm having these suicidal thoughts. However, I've already determined that You are the one who decides when I will die. Not me. Take these thoughts away from me." As time went on, suicidal thoughts left me completely. I think it's because Satan realized that they did not have a grip on me.

So, if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts (with or without depression), I would encourage you to take those thoughts to God and submit to Him as the one who decides when you will die. Tell Him that He can determine that and not your own self. That is how I received freedom from the fear of suicide, and, consequently, suicide itself.