I'll be honest with everyone. The past few months I feel like I have grown distant from God. It's not like I'm a rebel against God though. I just feel not as close to Him as I have felt in the past. I like to try to compare it to the realm of human relationships. Any human relationship takes time and effort, and, if you don't put those in, the relationship will grow farther apart. I feel like the same has happened with my relationship with God.
As I look back on the past couple of months, I see two factors that have played into this, one of which I had control over and one of which I didn't. The first factor is that, due to my job, I have been able to attend church less often. The second factor is that I have not been faithfully and consistently spending alone time with God.
Here's more explanation about the first factor: Normally, I would say that one shouldn't skip for church for work. However, when it comes to the personal care of an individual, the matter is a little bit different. In my case, it hasn't been so much as, "I need to work on Sundays so that I can earn more money to pay my bills," but "if I didn't go to work today, then this individual wouldn't have anyone to get her out of bed or feed her or be there in case she needed anything." In the first scenario, the focus is on "self" and could indicate a lack of trust in God, who has commanded that one is to rest on the 7th day (and perhaps that person has a different "7th day," and that's why I said could indicate instead of just indicate). In the second scenario, the focus is on serving another individual. I don't need to work on Sundays, but that individual needs me to work to care for his or her needs. That key difference between the two scenarios was difficult at first to discern, but it is the conclusion that I have come to concerning the matter at this moment.
Unlike the first factor that I have little control over, I have more control over the second factor of spending time alone with God. I can make a myriad of excuses (I'm too busy, I slept in, etc.), but they are just that--excuses. To a great extent, I am in control of the pace of my life, and I am also in control of my sleep schedule.
It may be that there is a correlation between church attendance and daily Bible reading. I know that there is for me. The more that I go to church and see and hear about the faithfulness of other Christians, the more it makes me want to be a faithful Christian as well. However, just because there is a correlation there doesn't mean that I have an excuse for not doing daily Bible reading if I am unable to make it to church.
In all of this, I have been reminded of what is known as the "serenity prayer," which says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I cannot change how I need to work on some Sundays; I can change my habits when it comes to spending time with God. However, I would change the serenity prayer to "God, grant me the...heart to change the things I can," or "God, grant me the...discipline to change the things I can." A lot of something can be a heart issue. If I haven't made time to spend with God and further my relationship with Him, what does that say about how I prioritize that? I know that I should want to spend time with God, and it is something that I tell myself that I want to do, but if I haven't made any changes to my life to accommodate that, what does that say about how much I actually want to? So it might be a heart issue. I need to pray, "Lord, grant me the heart that is desirous of spending time with You, where I just can't get enough of You."
In addition to needing a change of heart, I also need discipline to make the change. It is difficult to re-instill a habit that one once had. It takes work. It means disciplining myself to go to bed at a decent time so that I can get up early. It means disciplining myself to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. It means disciplining my mind to focus on the Lord.
God, grant me the heart and discipline to change.
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