In light of the suspected suicide of Robin Williams and now the talk on social media of suicide and also people airing their opinions, I thought I would share with everyone a piece of my own story. Unlike Robin Williams, I have never struggled with depression. However, very possibly like Robin Williams, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. (I know that there are different and various categories of depression. Depression as I am defining it in this piece is a disturbance of mood, particularly a depressed mood, to such a degree that the tasks of daily life are difficult to perform.) Why do I say that? Well, I have never had such a low mood that I have had trouble functioning with daily tasks. I have had such a low mood though that I've contemplated committing suicide. Usually my low moods would originate with me meditating on the brokenness of the world.
The thought that I might commit suicide used to scare me. The act of suicide itself did not scare me; the repercussions of suicide, however, did. I have heard speeches from family members of loved ones who committed suicide, and I did not want my family or friends to have to experience the pain, the brokenness, or the regret that often comes with that. Also, I thought of my adopted "nephew" and "niece," and how something like that would ever be explained to them. That would just be traumatic.
This burden, this fear of suicide, weighed heavily upon me. It was during this time that I remembered what I had learned in my Discipleship and Evangelism class. Jesus Christ is Lord, and He wants to be in control of every part of our lives, for our own good. This thought led me to the realization that Jesus is not only Lord of my life, but He is also Lord of my death. He is the one who determines when I will die. I have absolutely no right to ever end my life. I accepted that Christ was Lord of my death. After I had made that decision, there was a few times when suicidal thoughts came up. However, they had no control over me; they gave me no fear. I just took those thoughts straight to God and said, "God, I'm having these suicidal thoughts. However, I've already determined that You are the one who decides when I will die. Not me. Take these thoughts away from me." As time went on, suicidal thoughts left me completely. I think it's because Satan realized that they did not have a grip on me.
So, if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts (with or without depression), I would encourage you to take those thoughts to God and submit to Him as the one who decides when you will die. Tell Him that He can determine that and not your own self. That is how I received freedom from the fear of suicide, and, consequently, suicide itself.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Doubt, God's Lordship, Commitment, Surrender, and Questions about How Salvation Works
This school year has been one filled with a lot of doubt, specifically doubt concerning my salvation. The doubt seems to keep coming back. In the fall semester, I would say that the doubt was more unhealthy than not. It had me dejected. This semester, however, I think that the doubt has been more beneficial and actually healthy. I am still dealing with the doubt, but I really hope that, in the end, it will draw me closer to God, which will make going through it totally worth it.
Why was my doubt the fall semester unhealthy and why has my doubt this semester been more healthy? First, I believe that, because of the trials of last semester, I am closer to God now and also better able to deal with the doubt. Before the beginning of this semester, I did not understand what it looked like practically to "take every thought captive." It was something that I knew that Christians are supposed to do, but I never really knew how to put it into practice. Now, I understand that with every thought that enters my mind, I can take it to God and say, "God, I just had this thought..." and I proceed to talk to Him about it. "God, I know that this thought is displeasing to You. Please change my thoughts." "God, this thought just crossed my mind. How does this line up with Your Word? What is Your Truth in this situation?"
Although I feel closer to God and have learned how to "take every thought captive," I believe that the main reason that the doubt this semester has been more beneficial than the doubt last semester is because the doubts are of two different kinds. The doubt last semester was more of a look at how my actions and thoughts and motives lined up with God's Word and the resulting disappointment that my life did not actually align. It was a doubt based on my actions/thoughts. That doubt produced despair. A kind friend, Jonathan Marks, reached out and reminded me of what Scripture has to say about salvation. That conversation encouraged me, but it was only temporary encouragement. The doubt lingered.
This semester, the doubt has been less based on my actions and instead has been more of a volitional doubt. Do I really want to follow God? On the morning of March 7, I had prayed, "Lord, is hell even that bad?" I did not want to give up specific sins and acts of the flesh, and that is what prompted that prayer. Since that time, God has slowly been working on me and melting the pride, independence, stubbornness, and rebelliousness in my heart. I do not feel as controlled by some of the lusts of the flesh I had let myself slip into.
However, I'm still struggling with having Christ be Lord of my life. This was a topic that I explored in my journal on March 12: "Lord God, I am really confused right now. I don't really know if I want to follow You...And yet I'm praying for others...to come to know You, and yet I don't really know if I want to follow You myself. Does that actually mean that I'm still a Christian and do want to follow You? Or does a prayer like that come more from routine? I don't know." On March 11, I had written the question: "Would I have decided to follow Christ if I had known the cost?"
Then it hit me: What would happen if I viewed my relationship with God like it was a marriage? I have always been 100% committed to the "marriage is for life" commandment laid down in God's Word. Yet, why couldn't I be 100% committed to God? Why couldn't I protect my relationship with Him the way that I will have to protect and guard my marriage to my future husband? How that would change so much about how I live! Every little thing, every interaction with someone would change!
Then, I went to New Orleans on a mission trip and, on the last night, a devotional was given around a bonfire. It was about surrender. People were supposed to write on a piece of paper things/situations that they wanted to surrender to God and then they were given the opportunity to throw the paper in the fire. In my heart, I felt resistance. Though I was/am currently practicing daily surrender, I did not know if I could surrender my whole life to God. The encouraging thing in this situation is that daily surrender eventually leads to total surrender. If I submit to God each moment of each day, and I do that every day from now until the end of my life, then I will have lived a life of total surrender.
Yet, there's also something in me that is bothered by the fact that the door is left open for me to maybe walk away from Christ. This brought me back to where I was before I had left for spring break: my commitment issue and, thus, my lack of total surrender. The kind of surrender that says, "My life's yours, Lord; use it for Your glory," instead of the daily surrender that says, "Okay, Lord, you can have this moment, but I don't know if I'll be able to give you the next moment."
The Sunday after I got back, I went to church, and the message was based off of John 8:51-59. The pastor left all of us with the challenge, "Who do you say Jesus is? Who is He to you?" At that point, I was thinking, "Well, it's undeniable that He's Lord; He just isn't my Lord." Can someone still be a Christian that way? I thought to myself, "Well, I'm already pretty restrained in terms of my actions. I can tell people about Jesus to help them find the Truth and encourage them to submit to Jesus because I know that that brings life and freedom and every good thing. I just won't submit to Him myself."
Then, that afternoon I decided that laundry needed to be done, so when it came time to fold the laundry, I put on my bluetooth headphones and was going to listen to Focus on the Family. There was some sort of glitch where it wasn't working fast enough, so I turned to my second option: a sermon from desiringgod.org. I wanted to listen to whatever sermon was the most recent, but I couldn't find the function that does that. So I ended up with my third option: gty.org. I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur entitled "The Freedom of True Discipleship" based off of the text John 8:31-36. In it, he talked about the "benchmark" of true discipleship as well as the "benefit" of true discipleship. The benchmark of true discipleship is continuing perseverance and adherence to the teaching of Christ, as John 8:31 says, "Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.'" Then MacArthur mentioned the parable of the wheat and the tares, which MacArthur interpreted as meaning that there will be people who look like they're Christians, and they'll go to church and such during their lifetime, but they actually aren't Christians. All of this led me to have doubt, but good doubt, I would say: "What if I am a tare? What if I have not actually been a Christian all of this time? I've only been a Christian for 11 years. Could it be that that's only been a short time and more perseverance is needed--lifetime perseverance? Could it be that I am the 'thorns' where the seed fell? Could it be that I am 'the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful' (Matthew 13:22)? Could it be that I am the one who 'lasts only a short time' (Matthew 13:21)? What constitutes a 'short time'?"
In addition to raising doubt, the sermon that I listened to also answered my previous thoughts concerning wanting others to find Christ, but not submitting to Him myself. People who do that really aren't Christians. Also, it's only possible to pretend for so long. Additionally, perhaps one of the best witnesses for Christ is one's lifestyle and own personal obedience to Him, something that I wouldn't have. Also, any work that I would do to try to direct others to Jesus would be pointless. Unbelievers do not have the Holy Spirit, and so I would just be telling other people about Jesus in my own power and strength, rather than the power and strength of God. I don't think that my words would be blessed.
Jesus talks about "counting the cost" of being His disciple in Luke 14:25-35. He says in verses 26-27, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Several verses later he says, "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple" (v. 33). There are Christian summer camps where kids can learn about Jesus, and the goal is for them to either 1) become Christians if they are not or 2) to grow in their already existing relationship with Christ. Part of the message of the Gospel is the Lordship of Christ. Romans 10:9 says that "if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." The first part, "confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,'' often gets neglected. How can a child, though, understand the cost of following Jesus? Certainly, it can be applied to his or her present circumstances. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to honor your father and mother and pick up your toys even when you don't want to. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to be kind to the friend at school who calls you mean names. Yet, children don't understand at the time that they will need to give up their future desire to marry someone about whom the Lord says, "No, I have someone better in mind for you." Children can't foresee the things that will happen down the road and the things that they will have to give up to follow Jesus. And adults really cannot either. At first, when dealing with this volitional doubt, I thought, "Okay, I now understand what it means to follow Jesus. I now understand what I will have to give up. I'm an adult now, and I've seen some of the things that I have to give up, as well as some of the things that others have had to give up that I might have to give up down the road." However, I think that this thought is slightly flawed. Even if as adults people are aware of a lot of what they'll have to give up to follow Jesus, no one can ever anticipate all that they will have to give up to follow Him.
The encouraging thing in all of this is that, if one has been practicing obedience and surrender to the Lord, even as new situations arise, one will be more likely to follow Jesus in those situations for two reasons. First of all, His faithfulness to them will have already been proven, so they can trust Him to have control of this new situation. Second of all, obedience and surrender to the Lord are already a habit.
Yet, these two things (1. MacArthur's sermon and the corresponding thought of, "Well, how long does one need to persevere?" 2. The idea of not knowing all that people will have to give up to follow Jesus.) have caused me to wonder more about salvation. My belief, up until this time, was that there's a conversion experience that one goes through. There's a moment when one says, "Yes, Lord." Yet, if there's no telling how long one must persevere, how can anyone claim to be a Christian at any point in time? How does one know that he or she is not a tare and will actually fall away from the faith later on when it comes time to give up something? And yet, there are many places in Scripture that speak about having assurance of salvation and there's also the hymn "Blessed Assurance." I did pray sometime this past summer that I wanted assurance of my salvation, and so, maybe, hopefully, all of the doubts that I've had (and still am having) are all a part of moving me towards "blessed assurance."
So, where does that leave me? I am still in doubt land. What if all of this time has only been the Spirit regenerating me to a point where I will finally say "yes" to God's Lordship? People always say that they know that they're Christians because they've been changed. Well, have I really changed? I like to think that I was already a "good" child, so it's more difficult to tell. Also, could I fabricate change, or has there been some change in me that is undeniably from God? What would those who have known me over a long period of time say about this? Have they seen a change in me? Also, there's the song "Come, Now is the Time to Worship," which says, "One day every tongue will confess You are God. One day every knee will bow. Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." These words comes from Scripture, specifically Philippians 2:10-11, which says, "That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." What I noticed is that the song says, "Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." So, now that raises more doubt in my mind. If I were to make a decision to be obedient to Christ and to submit to Him for the rest of my days, no matter what comes up, how could I know that I'm doing it cheerfully? How could I know that I am actually choosing to follow Him, and, in essence, choosing Him, instead of having an attitude that says, "Well, I know that one day everyone is going to have to confess that He is Lord and that everyone is going to have to bow before Him, so I might as well do it now"? Because with an attitude like that, one is going to end up in hell, because that person would not enjoy heaven anyways.
So where am I now? What I've actually found is that the doubt that I had the fall semester of this year, that I thought was different than the doubt of this spring semester, was actually symptomatic of a deeper problem that was manifested in my doubt this semester: my will. The two types of doubt are actually one and the same. My lack of obedience to God's commands (and thus the questioning of my salvation based off of John 14:15 where Jesus says, "If you love me, you will obey what I command,"--my reasoning was: well, I'm not obeying Jesus' commands, so I must not actually love Him, so I must not actually be saved) the first semester was just symptomatic of my commitment problem to God and my doubt about whether I really wanted to follow Him. Even with the doubt that remains, I am still "acting" (not really as an actor in the play, who pretends to be someone whom he or she is not, but as in "living") as a Christian. I'm still reading my Bible daily and going to church and really trying to seek the Lord and submit to Him on a moment-by-moment, day-by-day basis. I trust that the Lord will see me through all of this and use it for His glory. I speak and act as if He will get me through to the other side, and I believe that He will. Also, I am glad that I am going through all of this now, rather than later. I am at JBU, where I have a strong support system of church friends, students, and teachers. Also, I have great hopes that my experience of this doubt will allow me to be of greater use to God, and I hope that it has been great preparation for whatever arena of ministry I end up in one day.
Appendix:
Songs on surrender that I've come to love and listen to and pray over myself again and again:
I Lift My Life Up by Unspoken (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBv2cjTiBd8)
You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edFCHgoFyuE)
As for Me and My House by John Waller (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjRiNL1HKns)
(Why don't we sing any of these in chapel at JBU?)
Why was my doubt the fall semester unhealthy and why has my doubt this semester been more healthy? First, I believe that, because of the trials of last semester, I am closer to God now and also better able to deal with the doubt. Before the beginning of this semester, I did not understand what it looked like practically to "take every thought captive." It was something that I knew that Christians are supposed to do, but I never really knew how to put it into practice. Now, I understand that with every thought that enters my mind, I can take it to God and say, "God, I just had this thought..." and I proceed to talk to Him about it. "God, I know that this thought is displeasing to You. Please change my thoughts." "God, this thought just crossed my mind. How does this line up with Your Word? What is Your Truth in this situation?"
Although I feel closer to God and have learned how to "take every thought captive," I believe that the main reason that the doubt this semester has been more beneficial than the doubt last semester is because the doubts are of two different kinds. The doubt last semester was more of a look at how my actions and thoughts and motives lined up with God's Word and the resulting disappointment that my life did not actually align. It was a doubt based on my actions/thoughts. That doubt produced despair. A kind friend, Jonathan Marks, reached out and reminded me of what Scripture has to say about salvation. That conversation encouraged me, but it was only temporary encouragement. The doubt lingered.
This semester, the doubt has been less based on my actions and instead has been more of a volitional doubt. Do I really want to follow God? On the morning of March 7, I had prayed, "Lord, is hell even that bad?" I did not want to give up specific sins and acts of the flesh, and that is what prompted that prayer. Since that time, God has slowly been working on me and melting the pride, independence, stubbornness, and rebelliousness in my heart. I do not feel as controlled by some of the lusts of the flesh I had let myself slip into.
However, I'm still struggling with having Christ be Lord of my life. This was a topic that I explored in my journal on March 12: "Lord God, I am really confused right now. I don't really know if I want to follow You...And yet I'm praying for others...to come to know You, and yet I don't really know if I want to follow You myself. Does that actually mean that I'm still a Christian and do want to follow You? Or does a prayer like that come more from routine? I don't know." On March 11, I had written the question: "Would I have decided to follow Christ if I had known the cost?"
Then it hit me: What would happen if I viewed my relationship with God like it was a marriage? I have always been 100% committed to the "marriage is for life" commandment laid down in God's Word. Yet, why couldn't I be 100% committed to God? Why couldn't I protect my relationship with Him the way that I will have to protect and guard my marriage to my future husband? How that would change so much about how I live! Every little thing, every interaction with someone would change!
Then, I went to New Orleans on a mission trip and, on the last night, a devotional was given around a bonfire. It was about surrender. People were supposed to write on a piece of paper things/situations that they wanted to surrender to God and then they were given the opportunity to throw the paper in the fire. In my heart, I felt resistance. Though I was/am currently practicing daily surrender, I did not know if I could surrender my whole life to God. The encouraging thing in this situation is that daily surrender eventually leads to total surrender. If I submit to God each moment of each day, and I do that every day from now until the end of my life, then I will have lived a life of total surrender.
Yet, there's also something in me that is bothered by the fact that the door is left open for me to maybe walk away from Christ. This brought me back to where I was before I had left for spring break: my commitment issue and, thus, my lack of total surrender. The kind of surrender that says, "My life's yours, Lord; use it for Your glory," instead of the daily surrender that says, "Okay, Lord, you can have this moment, but I don't know if I'll be able to give you the next moment."
The Sunday after I got back, I went to church, and the message was based off of John 8:51-59. The pastor left all of us with the challenge, "Who do you say Jesus is? Who is He to you?" At that point, I was thinking, "Well, it's undeniable that He's Lord; He just isn't my Lord." Can someone still be a Christian that way? I thought to myself, "Well, I'm already pretty restrained in terms of my actions. I can tell people about Jesus to help them find the Truth and encourage them to submit to Jesus because I know that that brings life and freedom and every good thing. I just won't submit to Him myself."
Then, that afternoon I decided that laundry needed to be done, so when it came time to fold the laundry, I put on my bluetooth headphones and was going to listen to Focus on the Family. There was some sort of glitch where it wasn't working fast enough, so I turned to my second option: a sermon from desiringgod.org. I wanted to listen to whatever sermon was the most recent, but I couldn't find the function that does that. So I ended up with my third option: gty.org. I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur entitled "The Freedom of True Discipleship" based off of the text John 8:31-36. In it, he talked about the "benchmark" of true discipleship as well as the "benefit" of true discipleship. The benchmark of true discipleship is continuing perseverance and adherence to the teaching of Christ, as John 8:31 says, "Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.'" Then MacArthur mentioned the parable of the wheat and the tares, which MacArthur interpreted as meaning that there will be people who look like they're Christians, and they'll go to church and such during their lifetime, but they actually aren't Christians. All of this led me to have doubt, but good doubt, I would say: "What if I am a tare? What if I have not actually been a Christian all of this time? I've only been a Christian for 11 years. Could it be that that's only been a short time and more perseverance is needed--lifetime perseverance? Could it be that I am the 'thorns' where the seed fell? Could it be that I am 'the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful' (Matthew 13:22)? Could it be that I am the one who 'lasts only a short time' (Matthew 13:21)? What constitutes a 'short time'?"
In addition to raising doubt, the sermon that I listened to also answered my previous thoughts concerning wanting others to find Christ, but not submitting to Him myself. People who do that really aren't Christians. Also, it's only possible to pretend for so long. Additionally, perhaps one of the best witnesses for Christ is one's lifestyle and own personal obedience to Him, something that I wouldn't have. Also, any work that I would do to try to direct others to Jesus would be pointless. Unbelievers do not have the Holy Spirit, and so I would just be telling other people about Jesus in my own power and strength, rather than the power and strength of God. I don't think that my words would be blessed.
Jesus talks about "counting the cost" of being His disciple in Luke 14:25-35. He says in verses 26-27, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Several verses later he says, "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple" (v. 33). There are Christian summer camps where kids can learn about Jesus, and the goal is for them to either 1) become Christians if they are not or 2) to grow in their already existing relationship with Christ. Part of the message of the Gospel is the Lordship of Christ. Romans 10:9 says that "if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." The first part, "confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,'' often gets neglected. How can a child, though, understand the cost of following Jesus? Certainly, it can be applied to his or her present circumstances. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to honor your father and mother and pick up your toys even when you don't want to. The Lordship of Christ means that you need to be kind to the friend at school who calls you mean names. Yet, children don't understand at the time that they will need to give up their future desire to marry someone about whom the Lord says, "No, I have someone better in mind for you." Children can't foresee the things that will happen down the road and the things that they will have to give up to follow Jesus. And adults really cannot either. At first, when dealing with this volitional doubt, I thought, "Okay, I now understand what it means to follow Jesus. I now understand what I will have to give up. I'm an adult now, and I've seen some of the things that I have to give up, as well as some of the things that others have had to give up that I might have to give up down the road." However, I think that this thought is slightly flawed. Even if as adults people are aware of a lot of what they'll have to give up to follow Jesus, no one can ever anticipate all that they will have to give up to follow Him.
The encouraging thing in all of this is that, if one has been practicing obedience and surrender to the Lord, even as new situations arise, one will be more likely to follow Jesus in those situations for two reasons. First of all, His faithfulness to them will have already been proven, so they can trust Him to have control of this new situation. Second of all, obedience and surrender to the Lord are already a habit.
Yet, these two things (1. MacArthur's sermon and the corresponding thought of, "Well, how long does one need to persevere?" 2. The idea of not knowing all that people will have to give up to follow Jesus.) have caused me to wonder more about salvation. My belief, up until this time, was that there's a conversion experience that one goes through. There's a moment when one says, "Yes, Lord." Yet, if there's no telling how long one must persevere, how can anyone claim to be a Christian at any point in time? How does one know that he or she is not a tare and will actually fall away from the faith later on when it comes time to give up something? And yet, there are many places in Scripture that speak about having assurance of salvation and there's also the hymn "Blessed Assurance." I did pray sometime this past summer that I wanted assurance of my salvation, and so, maybe, hopefully, all of the doubts that I've had (and still am having) are all a part of moving me towards "blessed assurance."
So, where does that leave me? I am still in doubt land. What if all of this time has only been the Spirit regenerating me to a point where I will finally say "yes" to God's Lordship? People always say that they know that they're Christians because they've been changed. Well, have I really changed? I like to think that I was already a "good" child, so it's more difficult to tell. Also, could I fabricate change, or has there been some change in me that is undeniably from God? What would those who have known me over a long period of time say about this? Have they seen a change in me? Also, there's the song "Come, Now is the Time to Worship," which says, "One day every tongue will confess You are God. One day every knee will bow. Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." These words comes from Scripture, specifically Philippians 2:10-11, which says, "That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." What I noticed is that the song says, "Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose You now." So, now that raises more doubt in my mind. If I were to make a decision to be obedient to Christ and to submit to Him for the rest of my days, no matter what comes up, how could I know that I'm doing it cheerfully? How could I know that I am actually choosing to follow Him, and, in essence, choosing Him, instead of having an attitude that says, "Well, I know that one day everyone is going to have to confess that He is Lord and that everyone is going to have to bow before Him, so I might as well do it now"? Because with an attitude like that, one is going to end up in hell, because that person would not enjoy heaven anyways.
So where am I now? What I've actually found is that the doubt that I had the fall semester of this year, that I thought was different than the doubt of this spring semester, was actually symptomatic of a deeper problem that was manifested in my doubt this semester: my will. The two types of doubt are actually one and the same. My lack of obedience to God's commands (and thus the questioning of my salvation based off of John 14:15 where Jesus says, "If you love me, you will obey what I command,"--my reasoning was: well, I'm not obeying Jesus' commands, so I must not actually love Him, so I must not actually be saved) the first semester was just symptomatic of my commitment problem to God and my doubt about whether I really wanted to follow Him. Even with the doubt that remains, I am still "acting" (not really as an actor in the play, who pretends to be someone whom he or she is not, but as in "living") as a Christian. I'm still reading my Bible daily and going to church and really trying to seek the Lord and submit to Him on a moment-by-moment, day-by-day basis. I trust that the Lord will see me through all of this and use it for His glory. I speak and act as if He will get me through to the other side, and I believe that He will. Also, I am glad that I am going through all of this now, rather than later. I am at JBU, where I have a strong support system of church friends, students, and teachers. Also, I have great hopes that my experience of this doubt will allow me to be of greater use to God, and I hope that it has been great preparation for whatever arena of ministry I end up in one day.
Appendix:
Songs on surrender that I've come to love and listen to and pray over myself again and again:
I Lift My Life Up by Unspoken (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBv2cjTiBd8)
You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edFCHgoFyuE)
As for Me and My House by John Waller (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjRiNL1HKns)
(Why don't we sing any of these in chapel at JBU?)
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Reflections on Rejoicing in the Lord
This year has been the toughest of the 19 years of my life, although this semester has been a bit better than last semester. I feel more equipped to deal with the trials that have come my way and that will continue to come my way. Jesus promised in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble." (However, He also went on to say "But take heart! I have overcome the world.") So trials are going to continue to come my way and every other Christian's way. Earlier this week, I was reflecting on these truths and was just filled with gratefulness at the way that God has equipped me to deal with the trials coming my way. Last semester was one of confusion; this semester I am prepared to fight--fight against Satan and his demons, that is. I am in this fight and in this world for the long haul, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many lies Satan tries to place in my head. With that said, I was also thinking that I still lack one thing: joy.
There are some days where I'm just so immersed in thought that I'm wondering if I'm really letting God's light shine through me. I greatly dislike it whenever I see Christians walking around with frowns on their faces or when they seem depressed a lot. I hope that I have not been one of those people, even during my times of trial. Yet, I still feel as though I could be more joyful during my trials.
I always used to pride myself on how I was a "happy Christian" whenever the pastor would speak about rejoicing in the Lord. The truth is, I think I've had it wrong all this time. Today, I read the post "When Life Hurts" at desiringgod.org (http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/when-life-hurts), and I thought that it spoke directly to what I've been thinking about this week in regards to joy.
Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Until this morning, I thought that I had previously done a good job of following this verse. I just thought that I wasn't doing the best job of it when all of the trials hit. However, as I reflect back on things and the way that God has made me, I don't know if I've ever rejoiced in the Lord. Those who know me, however, can certainly attest to my optimism and joy in the small things: "Guys, they have no-bake cookies!" or "The snow is so beautiful; I just want to go outside and twirl around in it." Yet, this is just the way that God has created me, and, for encountering most of life's trials so far, it has worked.
What happens though, when life gets really tough? Like when people undergo trials equivalent to those through which Paul went, as he described in 2 Corinthians 11:23-27: "I have...been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked." I think it is during times like these that people realize that nothing besides the joy of the Lord will get them through to the other side of the trial. And that is what I have had to learn and still am learning. My optimism and cheerful personality won't get me through. My delight in the small things won't get me through. Rejoicing in the Lord will get me through.
It is at this point where I need to acknowledge God's sovereignty. For my Seminar in Theological Studies class, I have been reading Barth, and he really seems to stress this idea. It is God who reveals things. I know all about the joy of the Lord; I've been told what it means intellectually. I've heard all kinds of sermons on it. The blog post that I posted a link to above talks about setting one's mind on the hope that is found in Jesus' resurrection. Yet, in the most important sense, I still don't know what it means. I don't know what it means for me. I have not yet experienced it, and I think it is really going to take some "lightbulb" moment when I'm reading Scripture or talking with a friend or doing something else that it finally hits, and I finally understood what "rejoicing in the Lord" is really all about.
Blessings on your own pilgrimage to the heavenly kingdom! Come, Lord Jesus!
There are some days where I'm just so immersed in thought that I'm wondering if I'm really letting God's light shine through me. I greatly dislike it whenever I see Christians walking around with frowns on their faces or when they seem depressed a lot. I hope that I have not been one of those people, even during my times of trial. Yet, I still feel as though I could be more joyful during my trials.
I always used to pride myself on how I was a "happy Christian" whenever the pastor would speak about rejoicing in the Lord. The truth is, I think I've had it wrong all this time. Today, I read the post "When Life Hurts" at desiringgod.org (http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/when-life-hurts), and I thought that it spoke directly to what I've been thinking about this week in regards to joy.
Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Until this morning, I thought that I had previously done a good job of following this verse. I just thought that I wasn't doing the best job of it when all of the trials hit. However, as I reflect back on things and the way that God has made me, I don't know if I've ever rejoiced in the Lord. Those who know me, however, can certainly attest to my optimism and joy in the small things: "Guys, they have no-bake cookies!" or "The snow is so beautiful; I just want to go outside and twirl around in it." Yet, this is just the way that God has created me, and, for encountering most of life's trials so far, it has worked.
What happens though, when life gets really tough? Like when people undergo trials equivalent to those through which Paul went, as he described in 2 Corinthians 11:23-27: "I have...been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked." I think it is during times like these that people realize that nothing besides the joy of the Lord will get them through to the other side of the trial. And that is what I have had to learn and still am learning. My optimism and cheerful personality won't get me through. My delight in the small things won't get me through. Rejoicing in the Lord will get me through.
It is at this point where I need to acknowledge God's sovereignty. For my Seminar in Theological Studies class, I have been reading Barth, and he really seems to stress this idea. It is God who reveals things. I know all about the joy of the Lord; I've been told what it means intellectually. I've heard all kinds of sermons on it. The blog post that I posted a link to above talks about setting one's mind on the hope that is found in Jesus' resurrection. Yet, in the most important sense, I still don't know what it means. I don't know what it means for me. I have not yet experienced it, and I think it is really going to take some "lightbulb" moment when I'm reading Scripture or talking with a friend or doing something else that it finally hits, and I finally understood what "rejoicing in the Lord" is really all about.
Blessings on your own pilgrimage to the heavenly kingdom! Come, Lord Jesus!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Today I Felt Like a Freshman
I'm a junior this year at John Brown, yet today I felt like a freshman. (Now, in this post, I am not trying to paint a stereotypical picture of college freshmen. I'm just remembering what I was like as a freshman and basing this post off of those recollections.) As a freshman for me, there was a lot of emotions--exhilaration that classes were beginning, excitement for the awesome* cafeteria food, but also loneliness, homesickness, and confusion. Today has been one of those mixed-emotions days for me, mostly because I realized (again, as I did in my sophomore year) that things are never the same as they were before when everyone said their bittersweet goodbyes in May. You see, when you come back in the fall, there's different people on your hall. You might even have a different roommate (or, in my case, a roommate after having none for the past three semesters). The cafeteria might have a different look to it. I don't really know--I think they added some grills? None of this stuff is bad, in and of itself. New hall mates and new roommates certainly aren't bad. It's just...different. Which, again, isn't bad, in and of itself. I just know that I probably appeared to be a freshman in the cafeteria tonight, walking around with a lost look on my face.
Now, so what if I felt like a freshman today? What's the big deal, eh? Well, it's probably not a big deal for someone who is an unbeliever, but for someone who has the Spirit of God in her--and that Spirit of God uses circumstances to speak to her invaluable lessons and truths, it is a big deal.
Here's what I learned/was reminded of today:
There is nothing constant in life whatsoever, besides God. Malachi 3:6 says, "I the LORD do not change." Hebrews 13:8 reads, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Circumstances may change, people may change, but God will never change. You and I can rest in that. It was good to be reminded of that today--we need that reminder a lot, because, sooner or later, circumstances will change. You'll lose all your wealth in a bad investment. Though you go to the same school, the people you go there with will change. Your brother might die in a car accident. Then what? Who or what will you turn to? Hopefully the same One who's been there all along and through it all--God. "I the LORD do not change."
Change also reminds us that we are not in control, and it causes us to examine our hearts to see if they are fully set on the LORD or not. It causes us to evaluate where our trust is put. In ourselves, our own resources, or in God and His great power and strength?
Change will always be a part of life. It's inevitable. You might as well get used to it now. I'd like to challenge you with this question: Who/what is your anchor? Who/what is your stronghold? If it's not the God who raised the Lord Jesus Christ from the dead, then I'll tell you plainly that you don't have a very good anchor or stronghold. Search your own heart and seek the Lord.
So, today I felt like a freshman. Yet, even though I felt like a freshman, it was still different than when I actually was a freshman. When I was a freshman, I would have had pity on myself and probably would have cried myself to sleep if I had had to deal with what I dealt with today. But one of the many good things about God is that He is full of rich grace, and He has taught me over the past couple of years to seek Him when trials come and to see things from His perspective (as best as I can being a human).
Today I felt like a freshman, but I'm leaning on God. He's my anchor and stronghold for every day, but especially the days when I feel like a freshman.
Psalm 16:11 sums up my day today: "You will fill me with joy in your presence." (Though today I felt like a freshman, God definitely taught me a lot, and I love it when He does that.)
Now, so what if I felt like a freshman today? What's the big deal, eh? Well, it's probably not a big deal for someone who is an unbeliever, but for someone who has the Spirit of God in her--and that Spirit of God uses circumstances to speak to her invaluable lessons and truths, it is a big deal.
Here's what I learned/was reminded of today:
There is nothing constant in life whatsoever, besides God. Malachi 3:6 says, "I the LORD do not change." Hebrews 13:8 reads, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Circumstances may change, people may change, but God will never change. You and I can rest in that. It was good to be reminded of that today--we need that reminder a lot, because, sooner or later, circumstances will change. You'll lose all your wealth in a bad investment. Though you go to the same school, the people you go there with will change. Your brother might die in a car accident. Then what? Who or what will you turn to? Hopefully the same One who's been there all along and through it all--God. "I the LORD do not change."
Change also reminds us that we are not in control, and it causes us to examine our hearts to see if they are fully set on the LORD or not. It causes us to evaluate where our trust is put. In ourselves, our own resources, or in God and His great power and strength?
Change will always be a part of life. It's inevitable. You might as well get used to it now. I'd like to challenge you with this question: Who/what is your anchor? Who/what is your stronghold? If it's not the God who raised the Lord Jesus Christ from the dead, then I'll tell you plainly that you don't have a very good anchor or stronghold. Search your own heart and seek the Lord.
So, today I felt like a freshman. Yet, even though I felt like a freshman, it was still different than when I actually was a freshman. When I was a freshman, I would have had pity on myself and probably would have cried myself to sleep if I had had to deal with what I dealt with today. But one of the many good things about God is that He is full of rich grace, and He has taught me over the past couple of years to seek Him when trials come and to see things from His perspective (as best as I can being a human).
Today I felt like a freshman, but I'm leaning on God. He's my anchor and stronghold for every day, but especially the days when I feel like a freshman.
Psalm 16:11 sums up my day today: "You will fill me with joy in your presence." (Though today I felt like a freshman, God definitely taught me a lot, and I love it when He does that.)
Monday, April 29, 2013
Frustration
I'm sure that almost every woman has experienced the frustration of liking a guy, but the guy doesn't seem to notice her at all. [Who knows? Maybe guys experience this too, but I wouldn't know...since I'm not a guy.] Not only this, but it may also be that the guy notices everything but her. How frustrating! Well, God gave me insight about how this might mirror humans' relationship with God. All Christians have most likely heard how God loves them and wants to have an intimate relationship with Him. He'll send things along the day to remind people of His love. Yet, they don't seem to notice. In fact, perhaps they might notice His love, but then they'll choose to reject it in the name of doing homework or, worse (and all too common), doing "ministry." All throughout the day God gives people signs of His love, but they keep on turning to oftentimes worthless things. As a woman might be frustrated that her crush does not notice her, so too, one can imagine God's frustration when He continually pours forth His love upon people, and they don't notice or they reject it. But, remember, this is God we're speaking about; the human analogy does fall short. Humans didn't create the person that they have a crush on. Humans didn't die for the person that they have romantic feelings toward. But God did. Finally, humans can't love the way that God loves. Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." How amazing! The Lord is calling out to you today. Will you notice and answer to the call of intimate fellowship, or will you leave God pleading, "I just want you to notice me"? Don't leave God frustrated.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
I am the Worst Sinner
Take a moment to think of the worst person/sinner you know. Some of you might have answered Adolf Hitler, considering the horrendous number of Jews that he had killed. Some of you might have said Obama, considering his recent address to Planned Parenthood. Some of you, with the Boston Marathon incident still in mind, might have said those "terrorists" who bombed Boston. Still others might have named some other well-known or not well-known person from history who did something extremely horrible. Well, I have news for you. These persons are not the worst sinners...I am. Yes, that's right. I am. Yes, Leah Rebekah Jarvie--sweet; gentle, a good student; a person who wears white T-shirts underneath her regular T-shirt for the day, so that her brothers in Christ might not stumble from seeing the color of her bra strap (ridiculous, I know)--is the worst sinner. You see, beneath all of that exterior, there's manipulation, infatuation, and, worst of all, loving other things/people more than she loves God; and she's still yet to see all of the horrendous deeds that she's capable of. Ephesians 5:19-21 is scary, for it is written to believers and it lists everything (though perhaps not exclusively) that I am capable of: "sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like."
Though, I've already admitted to being the worst sinner, I would still like to argue that I am not alone in being the worst sinner. In fact, every human being on this earth is the worst sinner along with me. (I know that grammatically and logically that that doesn't work, but hang in there.) Yes, you are the worst sinner, as well as me; and I think that it's healthy, as Christians, to have this mindset. You see, I don't really think it's possible to "honor one another above [oneself]" (Romans 12:10) if one does not view oneself as the worst sinner. If some other person has that title, how can one honor that person above herself or himself? An attitude of humility is necessary when relating to other brothers and sisters in Christ, and part of this humility, I would argue, is considering oneself the worst sinner. Even Paul said that he was the worst of sinners (see 1 Timothy 1:15).
But, I do believe that there is a huge difference between me and Hitler, even if both of us are the worst of sinners. There is a huge difference between me and Obama, even if both of us are the worst of sinners. The difference is Christ. The good news for us worst of sinners who are Christians is that God loved us so much that He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross, so that we might have an intimate relationship with Him again. The difference between me and Hitler is that I've responded positively to that message (by the grace of God), and Hitler did not. So yes, I may be the worst of sinners and you may be the worst of sinners, but, if you've responded (by the Holy Spirit's prompting) positively to the message of God's love, there is a difference between you and Hitler, though both of you may be the worst of sinners.
Though, I've already admitted to being the worst sinner, I would still like to argue that I am not alone in being the worst sinner. In fact, every human being on this earth is the worst sinner along with me. (I know that grammatically and logically that that doesn't work, but hang in there.) Yes, you are the worst sinner, as well as me; and I think that it's healthy, as Christians, to have this mindset. You see, I don't really think it's possible to "honor one another above [oneself]" (Romans 12:10) if one does not view oneself as the worst sinner. If some other person has that title, how can one honor that person above herself or himself? An attitude of humility is necessary when relating to other brothers and sisters in Christ, and part of this humility, I would argue, is considering oneself the worst sinner. Even Paul said that he was the worst of sinners (see 1 Timothy 1:15).
But, I do believe that there is a huge difference between me and Hitler, even if both of us are the worst of sinners. There is a huge difference between me and Obama, even if both of us are the worst of sinners. The difference is Christ. The good news for us worst of sinners who are Christians is that God loved us so much that He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross, so that we might have an intimate relationship with Him again. The difference between me and Hitler is that I've responded positively to that message (by the grace of God), and Hitler did not. So yes, I may be the worst of sinners and you may be the worst of sinners, but, if you've responded (by the Holy Spirit's prompting) positively to the message of God's love, there is a difference between you and Hitler, though both of you may be the worst of sinners.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Week in Review: January 7-13
What a busy week it has been! I flew back to Arkansas on Monday. It was my first time having to catch a connecting flight by myself, but everything went as smooth as possible. I'm glad to be back at JBU. It's always nice to get into a routine again. I'm taking 18 hours this semester, so I'll be quite occupied with classes, and I think that, by the looks of it, this will be my most challenging semester academically. I'm up for the challenge though. I can't wait to see what God is going to teach me and how He's going to work in my life and transform me more into His image this semester!
Towards the beginning of this week, I was plagued with all kinds of worry. I worried about basically every single thing that there is to worry about. Would my books get here on time? If they didn't, would I be able to find someone to borrow them from? Is there a certain amount of money that I should be saving each year? What's sort of funny and like a slap in the face is that just last week part of a sermon was about not worrying, and I thought to myself at the time, "I'm not the sort of person who worries. I have peace about things in life." Wow. Don't ever think that you're immune of a particular sin or habit, because then you'll be proved wrong the next week.
Since I was saved when I was a fairly young child, there was not really a big change in my life, or, at least, not that I can remember. I wasn't some alcoholic who never tasted alcohol again after being saved. I wasn't a drug addict. No, I was a child, still possessing innocence, but still filled with the sinful nature. Even so, I can still measure God's grace in my life to a certain extent, even though His grace to me is immeasurable. I look around and see those who don't have a relationship with God. I could have been a rebellious teenager and have a child out-of-wedlock. I could have become an alcoholic or a drug addict. I could have had extreme anger issues and perhaps murdered someone. But, by God's grace, none of those things have happened to me. I am so thankful that God found me and chose me. Of course, due to the sinful nature inside of me, I am still largely capable of doing any of the aforementioned deeds. Hopefully, though, by God's grace, I can continue on the path that I am on-- following Jesus.
Words I learned this week: lintel, paragon, conflate, colophon, heuristic, exigent, aberrant, irrefragable, concatenate, desiderata, opprobrium.
I leave you with an admonishment from Galatians 6:7-9, "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I hope that you'll choose with me this week to sow to please the Spirit. I'll fail, you'll probably fail, but thankfully God's love never fails.
Leah
Towards the beginning of this week, I was plagued with all kinds of worry. I worried about basically every single thing that there is to worry about. Would my books get here on time? If they didn't, would I be able to find someone to borrow them from? Is there a certain amount of money that I should be saving each year? What's sort of funny and like a slap in the face is that just last week part of a sermon was about not worrying, and I thought to myself at the time, "I'm not the sort of person who worries. I have peace about things in life." Wow. Don't ever think that you're immune of a particular sin or habit, because then you'll be proved wrong the next week.
Since I was saved when I was a fairly young child, there was not really a big change in my life, or, at least, not that I can remember. I wasn't some alcoholic who never tasted alcohol again after being saved. I wasn't a drug addict. No, I was a child, still possessing innocence, but still filled with the sinful nature. Even so, I can still measure God's grace in my life to a certain extent, even though His grace to me is immeasurable. I look around and see those who don't have a relationship with God. I could have been a rebellious teenager and have a child out-of-wedlock. I could have become an alcoholic or a drug addict. I could have had extreme anger issues and perhaps murdered someone. But, by God's grace, none of those things have happened to me. I am so thankful that God found me and chose me. Of course, due to the sinful nature inside of me, I am still largely capable of doing any of the aforementioned deeds. Hopefully, though, by God's grace, I can continue on the path that I am on-- following Jesus.
Words I learned this week: lintel, paragon, conflate, colophon, heuristic, exigent, aberrant, irrefragable, concatenate, desiderata, opprobrium.
I leave you with an admonishment from Galatians 6:7-9, "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I hope that you'll choose with me this week to sow to please the Spirit. I'll fail, you'll probably fail, but thankfully God's love never fails.
Leah
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